If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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