I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
3pm strippers are depressing
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
