Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
