Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Shame - the story of my life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
