I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
