i just wanna soil my oats bro
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
