sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
