I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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