Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
