HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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