Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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