look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
