Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
