Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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