woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
