you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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