I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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