You're my little dorito
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
