I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
