I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize