Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
