I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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