Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
