She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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