im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
