I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
