just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
