Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
