I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
