she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
there is glitter all over my balls
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize