sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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