Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
