I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
