you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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