My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
