When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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