She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
