Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
