i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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