soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
