I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
