He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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