Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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