I cannot find my penis.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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