Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
