I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
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3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
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did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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