bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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