got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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