I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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