I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
