My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
