you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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