i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
