Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
