i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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