P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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