After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
